I took the extra credit in my Pre-Cana Catholic Marriage Bootcamp class for Natural Family Planning (NFP). This course requires that you take scientific observations of your menstrual cycle to know when you are fertile, (or ripe for pregnancy), that way woman have knowledge of WHEN they can have sex with their significant other and either try to get pregnant or try not to get pregnant. You do this with observations of your waking temperature and “checking the fluids.” (🚗? 🚕? or my personal family's favorite 911-vehicle-coverage scenario 🚓,🚒,🚑! for when "you gotta cool her down, she gonna bring the room to ground on the dance floor" like a 🤪🥜.
The #medicalindustrialcomplex thinks Monistat will cure the Symptom's described in this songs title when thinking it relates to how women describe a yeast infection on their female genitalia that is NOT related to the Class-B bronchitis aerosol you had a month ago when you were pregnant.
Maybe "Uhhhh, you wrong, Doc, about that WebMD diagnosis. This song refers to a passionate fire burning (as the Bible would say) in your loins, perhaps.
Sometimes you can get a mechanic to "check the fluids" for you, but to do that, as Kelis said in “Milkshake,”I [they] could teach you, but I [they] ‘d have to charge.”
When I had a consultation with my Couples to Couples League instructor, I told her that my waking temperature would stay as low as 94.7 degrees and that my pre-period week of my non-fertile time’s temperature only got up to around 97.1 degrees and at times perhaps a rarely recorded, a 98.6.
The coincidentally interesting think about this [Sentence] “Book of Numbers” is that my fertile-time temperatures all match up with the radio stations I’ve now programmed my Honda Odyssey radio with. And I always seem to be in a good mood when I’m using those low low, get low get low get low Flo-Rida Low-rider radio stations from an older time. 94.7
and 97.1 (especially when it’s commercial-less on non-stop Christmas Day).
Only when I point my finger to Elliot in the Morning, or alternative rock on 101.1 do “I choose the wrench” when I’m Good Will[y] Hunting and want some “fuck-you-world” music.
Kinda like this one:
But according to Fairfax Hospital and Dr. Samuel Schiavone, I need to take advantage of my husband’s health insurance coverage and choose to try “a-different-kind-of-“ professional drugging-service that does not involve wrenches, guns or knives (I guess because I can be so bitchy when it’s just about my bloody time of the month) and take:
1,800mg of Lithium Carbonate ER (Generic for Eskalith Cr)
12mg of 24HR Paliperidone ER (Generic for Invega) and
10mg Escitalopram Oxalate AURO (Generic for Lexapro)
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Well maybe that’s what #proCOVID “druggists” think I need when women are about to have their period and don’t feel like having sex, but I’ve discovered that I can live on more all-natural-alternative medicine from King Kong Dispensary and I can splurge on a $10 pack of Marlboro 72s or a pack of Red Luckies to curb depression.
Typically the 3rd week of your 30-day-menstrual-cycle (when YOUR “normal”-cycle is a 30-day one) is when you are FREE to have sex when you are in-fertile, and trying to AVOID pregnancy without contraception.
So…the rumors are true, I guess
I’m a lizard person.
It’s 63 degrees here in Herndon, Virginia on April 2nd, 2024 and I have 3 sweatshirts on.
The only time I’m considered a normal person in the U.S. of A. Is when my pre-menstruation-cycle-week-temperature hits 98.6 and it ain’t time to get pregnant and you’ll seriously have to try hard, or with Hard-on in HAND, (first yours, perhaps, before mine) to make me feel like having sex at that time.
And if we got this far, then I can go further into the science of measuring your wife’s vaginal discharge, the Couples to Couple League lovingly terms “mucus.”
I can tell you:
The Many Reasons Why Men Should Learn This 2-Finger Move to Avoid Child Support Woes
(I'll let you know if this blog is "Coming Soon," that is, if I ever do.)
La Random Epilogue on Divorce by 94.7 the Drive iHeartRadio.
But I think it the blog would work best as a hands-on tutorial, but I'll need a volunteer from the audience. That is: bare bones IRL woman, which I've lovingly defined more specifically in today's crazy world as: a human being WITH A CERVIX, uterus and ovaries who paid attention during Sex Ed vas deference labeling and wasn't already giving the "here is my vagina" presentation while sexting and vaping in the bathroom in high school.
(Also the culprit of why smokers hack, which my friend Ronnie told me. Mucus may also make you look like you have depression or a “different kind of” unclean nose, and mucus may be why depressed smokers die from lung cancer if they don’t ALSO spit, eat, and sleep to heal.)